At tha theater? Seriously?

Sunday night I found myself at the Berkeley Rep, watching the last showing of a damn good, and especially gory, play "The Lieutenant of Inishmore". The drunk guy in his late 30s/early 40s behind me however did not think the play was quite as good as it could be, and apparently felt it necessary to add his own (stupid) comments fairly regularly (example of said stupid comments, when someones foot was cut off, he loudly exclaimed "Das Boot". a Real Winner). Both the person I was with as well as the person sitting next to him told him more then once to be quiet, and eventually I turned around and told him sternly (like I talk to children who are misbehaving) "I am the third person telling you to be quiet".

Shortly after that, I could have sworn he started calling me a "Dork" although I was focusing more on the gruesome finale of the play in front of me so I couldn't be sure. However, as we started to trickle out of the theater, I was sure I heard him address me as "Guy in the Colombia Jacket", followed by "You're a dork."

A dork? Really? Is that really the best he had? I pretty much figured he would fuck off sooner rather then later, as his heart really wasn't in the confrontation (I can't believe I made him so mad I immobolized him to the point where "Dork" was the only insult he could come up with). However, he followed us through the lobby, and down the hall to the bathrooms. Eventually he had my attention.

"Yes?"

"You're a dork"

"And you're a drunk asshole and you should piss off."

We walked a little further as the mental giant struggled with this extra form of verbal assault.

"What did you say?"

I turned around and looked him in the eye and repeated, louder, "I said you are a drunk asshole and you should PISS OFF."

We turned around again, going further down the hallway to the bathroom. You could hear the gears turning in his head, and then he asked:

"I don't suppose you want to take this outside?"

This kind of cracked me up. In reality, this guy was at least 6" and 40 pounds heavier then me, but hey, I'm a pretty thin guy. In a real fight, he would likely beat the shit out of me. But I just couldn't believe this was happening - in Berkeley of all places. I sort of wonder what kind of response this would've gotten from the theater-attending crowd. But instead I just said:

"No, I don't want to fight you. But I think you should go outside."

We stared at him for a little bit, and then I bent over to take a drink of water from the fountain. My friend continued to give him the death stare, and he walked off. I remarked that I hoped he wasn't waiting outside, as I just didn't want to deal w. this bullshit any longer. My friend told me "well then, he'll have to deal with me if he is".

In retrospect, that could've been pretty funny (my friend is even smaller then me, and female - but man does she hate an asshole talking through a play).